Merch Sucks

The Official Succession Merchandise Is a Waste of Money

There is not a single figure in Succession who is capable of dressing themselves, with the exception of Queen Marcia, of course. Kendall occasionally gets very close, right up to the point where he realises he is no longer the number-one boy and feels the need to wear flashy chain necklaces or gilded sets of sunglasses in order to ensure that someone is paying attention to him. It is clear that Shiv has never worn anything other than business wear, as evidenced by the fact that I keep having flashbacks to her wedding dress, and Roman is nothing more than a slime puppy dressed up as a slime puppy.
What I do know for certain is that not a single one of these unfashionable elitists would ever touch HBO’s new official apparel, or “corporate SWAG,” as the company dubbed it. This is something that I can say with absolute certainty. They were so concerned about it that they wouldn’t even allow their assistants touch it. If it came down to it, I bet Tom would even shade Greg’s eyes from the light.
The “swag” in question consists of the following items: a backpack (yadda yadda, ludicrously capacious, yadda yadda), journal (none of these characters has the emotional wherewithal to be journaling), a flask (on-brand and yet also off-putting for a show that grapples with the theme of substance abuse), and a fleece vest (the same one you might see if you’ve ever accidentally wandere In spite of the fact that each of these products is repulsive, unimaginative, and devoid of originality in their own unique way, the fact that the word “Succession” is engraved on each of them is the final nail in the coffin.
The joke has been broken, and the notion that the show’s audience, which is irony-fueled, is in on the punchline has been shattered, all because the very name of the show has been slapped on products. As one Twitter user put it, “what the people really want is a loosely branded, near-niche, objectively ugly, which makes it cute product,” such as a “tube top that says ‘you are not serious people'” or a “tote that says ‘ludicrously capacious bag,'” as another user of the social media platform proposed. Okay, I’ll give in and name it a sibling of the ongoing “stealth wealth” trend, but only inasmuch as it is intended to serve as a signal, a “if you know, you know” item that tips off passerby that you too have rather good taste in television.
However, you do not require permission from the network. The merchandise has already been polished by sellers on Etsy, who are peddling basic T-shirts decorated with gaudy and humorous collages of characters like Logan, Shiv, and even Greg. Some people have even designed shirts featuring Kendall in the front and centre, with the words “I can fix him” written in pink over the top of the garment. It is astounding to see a company like HBO fumble this bag so badly since the public had already provided them with the answers to the questions they had asked.
However, the thing that hurts the most is that influencers all around the country were provided PR packages from the corporation prior to the release of season four. They were given some pretty decent swag, including a thermos that stated “we here for you,” a basic crewneck that simply said “fuck off,” and a tote bag that had the name of the firm but not the name of the performance on it. In point of fact, it was a move that was characteristic of Roy. Send the nice things to the elites, but don’t bother feeding the rest of us normal people. “Fuck off,” in the words of the great and late Logan Roy, who is no longer with us.
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